Cheney Weighs In

The early 2000s were a whirlwind of crazy. It was a simpler time. A Millennial youth’s childhood was defined by Kim Possible cartoons, low rise jeans, the Lord of the Rings films, Britney Spears auto-tuned songs, and vice president Dick Cheney. OK, most Millennials won’t remember Dick Cheney. But for those who do, he was the Bud Abbott to George Bush’s Lou – a cross between Darth Vader and the uncle who takes extra long showers on family day at the YMCA. In short, he was (and remains) an evil creepy fuck.

Dick Cheney has been buried balls deep in Republican politics since serving as a Congressional intern in 1969. As a Congressman he voted against the creation of the Department of Education, funding Head Start, and making Martin Luther King’s birthday a national holiday. He has unconditionally supported the fossil fuel industry, justified enhanced interrogation, was a CEO for Halliburton, and served as director of the Council on Foreign Relations. He may also be responsible for leaking CIA operative Valerie Plame’s identity to punish her husband, who had come out against the Iraq War. All in all, the guy is a complete and total cocksucker.

Which brings us to the “world is flat, water is dry” situation we find ourselves in today. In an interview on The Hugh Hewitt Show, Dick Cheney publicly spoke against President Donald Trump’s Muslim ban. No shit. The torture guy said the ban “goes against everything we stand for and believe in.” Let that sink in. Dick Cheney never gave a rusty fuck what anybody thought and left office in 2009 with a 63% disapproval rating. Seriously, Lord Voldemort would have a higher approval rating. And this is the guy who is rightly defending America’s promised values.

Shit. Maybe water really is dry.

Travel Ban Sham

In today’s episode of really shitty policy ideas, we’re looking at President Trump’s Muslim ban. For the next 90 days, Executive Order 13769 forbids citizens of seven Muslim majority countries from entering the United States. The Executive Order also halts refugee resettlement for 120 days, and places an indefinite ban on Syrian refugees.

This ban is stupid on so many levels. First of all, there is no instance of people from the banned countries (Iran, Iraq, Libya, Somalia, Sudan, Syria, and Yemen) attacking Americans here in America. Now countries whose citizens have fucked us (Saudi Arabia, United Arab Emirates, Egypt) aren’t on the banned countries list. These are also countries Mr. Trump does business with.

http://www.cnn.com/2017/01/30/politics/trump-travel-ban-q-and-a/index.html

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2017/01/29/dhs-will-continue-to-enforce-trumps-travel-ban.html

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/americans-sharply-divided-along-partisan-lines-over-travel-ban-trump-cbs-news-poll/

http://money.cnn.com/2017/02/06/technology/companies-opposed-trump-travel-ban/index.html

I’m not launching an ethical debate about accepting refugees, because I don’t care. And honestly, most Americans don’t care. However, the threat of domestic terrorism is a joke. I’m more likely to be killed by a right wing Trumptard cleaning his loaded AR-15 than some refugee kid hugging me with a grenade wedged up his ass.

I dislike the ban because it lacks a success metric. If America was attacked by people from any of these countries and the ban was enacted, you could argue a drop in attacks showed the ban worked. If the number of attacks remains the same or increases, you can argue the ban failed. Since it has never happened, there is no baseline to measure success. If there was never danger, then you can’t claim to keep people safe.

And I’m not the only one. Executive Order 13769 has been criticized by both Republican and Democratic members of Congress. Nearly 1,000 U.S. diplomats used the State Department’s Dissent Channel to voice their opposition. In addition, protests were staged in cities, airports, and universities across the country. Despite these protests, polling in the United States show a fairly even split in support/opposition of the ban.

To be fair, I don’t believe Mr. Trump is racist. I do believe he is a small handed man-child who uses his wealth and fame to sexually assault woman. I also believe he is a sub-par “businessman” whose inherited wealth makes him too rich too fail. I also think he is a narcissistic bully with the emotional development of a Hostess fruit pie. None of that makes him a racist.

It just makes him a dick.

Here We Are

To be honest, I had very low expectations for the Trump Administration. I have never met Mr. Trump or watched his television show. I never ate Trump steaks. I never sipped Trump Water. I never drowned my sorrows with Trump Vodka. I scored average on my ACTs, so I didn’t attend Trump University. Still, my expectations were pathetically low.

Despite my complete lack of knowledge about Mr. Trump and his brand, I still thought he was a fucker. I don’t know why. Maybe it was his too perfect hair. Maybe his bombastic attitude. It could be the inherent class envy the poor feels for the rich. Whatever the reason, Mr. Trump always popped high on the fucker scale.

So watching Trump’s three ring shit show pass itself off as a presidential campaign has been particularly annoying. To be fair, there was the scab picking painful satisfaction of watching Mr. Trump crush establishment pricks like Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz. But that was tempered with the frustration of seeing John Kasich try to establish himself as the adult in the room. But honestly, I believed Mr. Trump to be the least repulsive Republican choice.

Then came what passed for a National Presidential Campaign, Mr. Trump spent an inordinate amount of time defending his pussy grabbing youth indiscretions. Nothing of substance was discussed. People bitched about building a wall to keep job stealing Syrians out of Maine or some shit, and there was plenty of Alt Right free trade bashing NAZI punks yelling Trump, Trump, TRUMP!.

Still, there was balance. When Mrs. Clinton wasn’t explaining her emails or Benghazi, she promised a post sexist, post racist, fuck your glass ceiling you’ve come a long way baby rainbow coalition New World Order. A world where color and gender didn’t matter. Hipsters could finally sip fair trade coffee with like minded trust funders of color. And everyone could make room for more coffee by pissing in gender neutral restrooms.

Then the election came. And just like that, the dream of transgender drinking fountains gave way to Breitbart in the White House. The streets were still damp with liberal tears when Wall Street insiders began visiting Trump Towers. Even Mitt “Theon Greyjoy” Romney got in on the action. And so here we are.

I may try that Trump Vodka after all.